Next Step......
Well, I think I am going to start working on the book again, I took some time off to sort of deal with some of the meotions that were burried deep down that surround Caitlin's life and death....
The next chapter I think has to be an in depth description of HLHS, explained so non doctors can understand it. That way when I talk about Caitlin's journey, people will have an idea of what I am talking about.... So I guess I have to do some more research about other options we did not choose and to fill in some of the details that I knew then, but have since escaped my memory.... I have found some poems I would like to use in the introduction, but I don't know where to get permission for them, or possibly get permission to include the lyrics to Streets Of Heaven (Sherie Austin)..... EDITORRRRRR need you to get some permission for me since most of these things are copyrighted..... ((Thank goodness for spellcheck))

One more done.....
One more chapter is done... This is starting to be more of an emotional journey then i originally thought, lol.... chapter 4 is done, i finally found the right wording.... now I just have to wait for my editor to tell me what he thinks... Still not sure if I want Joey to read it as I work on it or wait until ti si all done... hmm...
:)
~Me

Another day in writing.....
Now Playing: "In America" Charlie Daniels Band
Chapters 1-3 are done. Chapter 4 is getting there, lol... I'm just tryin to figure out how to word my feelings when we were told of Caitlin's illness...

:"Riding With Private Malone" David Ball:

Heartbroken, devastated, crushed, confused, helpless... how do you put all of those emotions into one word? Would one word even do them all justice?

I want this book to be not only a comfort, but also a learning tool for people who hope to help others going through this, as well as Caitlin's legacy. Even though she only lived a short time, she did leave her mark on the world, especially our lives. I want to be able to express that. I want her brother and any future siblings to know what their sister went through, how strong she was, I want them to be proud of thei older sister.

I am going to try to work out some wording now for chapter 4. Wish me luck.

:)
Me

Decisions About The Book
Well, today we made some pretty good decisions about the book. Although there has not been much writing, alot of work has been done. I decided to include some hand outs the doctors had given me in the apendix. They will give the readers a better idea of what I am talking about. Also I am going to include Caitlin's echo print out (personal info blacked out of course) so when people are reading the book, they will be able to see exactly what I am talking about.... should be a good addition.... I just have to make some photo copies of the ones I have so I can send them to my editor so he can get the permission I would need to include them....

Hopefully, soon my editor will be able to write in the blog as well.... The server is just acting funny, not sure why....

for those of you reading this, it is the blog about the journey to write Caitlin's story. The URL will be included in the intro of teh book, so readers can come here and see what it took to get this book written and eventually published. It will be a place where I explore feelings I had at the time, and ones I have now, looking back, ideas I have about what to include inthe book, as well as my editor giving me feedback on what he has read so far.

I sincerely hope you enjoy the book, learn a little from it, and gain support from it, knowing you are not alone in your journey throught he world of CHD and childhood illness.

Caitlin......
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Streets Of Heaven; Sherri Austin
September 17, 2002. I will never forget the date. That was the day my life changed forever. That was the day I became a mom for the first time. The joy and elation my husband and I felt that day, though, would be short lived. But, the day will alwasy be significant in my life. When I gave birth to our tiny daughter, who only weighed 2 pounds 13 ounces, I knew the odds were against her, but I just didn't know how much. I had no idea that the next two months would push us to our breaking point and beyond, test our resolve, our wisdom, and our hearts, cause us to shed more tears then I could ever imagine, bring us closer together. Caitlin would teach us so much about living and fighting over those two months. She never gave up. Without knowing what she was doing, she was fighting to stay with us. She put up a good fight, better then any newborn should be asked to put up. We knew we had to fight for her. Caitlin would be three today.

When we found out she was ill, we were devastated. The doctor gave us the options and asked if we wanted to just take her home and let her go peacefully. We couldn't do that, we had to fight for her. We had to be strong for her, so we would be able to make the decisions we would have to make for her.

When I think about her, and I see what her brother is doing now, it gets me sad, because she will never be able to do those things. She will never be able to sit up; stand; walk; taste the sweetness of a strawberry; feel the full, warm, loving embrace of her parents; run and play tag with the neighborhood children; start school; feel lush green grass between her toes; burry her face in the softness of a puppy's fur; feel her daddy's stubble scratch her cheek as he gives her a good night kiss; smell a Thanksgiving turkey roasting when she wakes up that morning; wait up to try to catch Santa, then feel like a grown up when she finds out the truth; she will never experience her first crush, or her first heartbreak; never tease her brother when his voice cracks; never fight with me as teenage girls tend to do; never propose to marry her daddy. There is so much she will never be able to do.

When we heard from the doctor that she had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrom, we felt the agony of our hearts breaking.

That was three years ago. It still feels like it was yesterday. I have "moved on" but I have not gotten over it, yet, I don't think I ever will. There are times when I will go a few days without thinking about her, and what milestones she would be reaching now, and then I feel guilty that I don't think of her.

I wonder when would be a good time to teach her brother about her. We have pictures of her up in the living room, and her scrapbook is there for people to look at. We have her foot and hand casts the NICU made us on the entertainment center. She is all around us. We have a special ornament for the Christmas tree, a white ceramic heart with the middle missing, the middle is burried with her.

I am half way through writing Caitlin's book, I figured out the perfect title, Mending A Broken Heart; Caitlin's Story, when I don't think it is good enough to be published, I remind myself that it will help other mothers who are going through this struggle and let them know there is life after a CHD.

Please, anyone who reads this, remember my little girl today, my special angel.

Another try at this.....
Well, this is my fourth blog, lol, so its time to start one yet again, lol....